I could be a Goat Herder

I got home back on the 6th and spent that week thinking while doing all I could to NOT think. (Not very well, if you want to know).  First I made banana pancakes- which are more like banana bread, but with syrup and chocolate chips and in Pancake form.  Then I read two books while making reservations, going to Starbucks and Panera Bread (its still too early for the summer salad that I love) and preparing stir fry (my way is the strangest, yummiest, not-like-any-other stir fry you've ever had, guaranteed) and I made oatmeal peanut butter pancakes that I thought might be cookies but were really pancakes. They were good, if a bit dry. (Chocolate chips made it better.) Next time perhaps I will combine the two- peanut butter banana pancakes anyone? In the near future (say, perhaps tomorrow...always tomorrow) I will be making the worlds greatest peanut butter icing-- should it be called something else? I have big plans for it, but you will have to wait and see what those are.

Now, you must be questioning what is going on with me. How did my not-thinking go if it was impossible for me to not-think? That is a fantastic question. Should I address it? I would rather not, but when did anyone get anywhere by going in circles? I dislike that way of doing things- and I have the authority to dislike it, as I do things in a circular way. All the time. I am doing it now. One would think that eventually I would understand it is easier, in theory, to go in a straight line. That idea seems so far off..... I digress. We were supposed to be talking about plans. My plans. You know, the whole 'What is God saying in your life, now that you aren't doing the one thing you thought you would be doing?'

How many of you have faced that, or something similar? I would think most of you have- certainly over half of the people who come across this page have some type of experience of not being where they want, doing what they want, when they want to be doing it. Do you you see it though- if life is about doing What I want, then where does that leave God's greatest commands - Love God and Love Others? Like really, I want to know. Where does it stop being what I want, and start being what God wants?

Unfortunately, I don't have the answer to that. I can't give anyone a magic wand that will sort out all their problems. If I had that, do you think I would still be here? No, I would be in the far reaches of some jungle doing something amazing. (Who knows what a jungle has to do with any of it) But don't you see- If I am doing what God wants, then even if I am in a place I don't really want to be, I am still in the best place possible for me. Which is a tough pill to swallow, believe me. If I could change things and go with my team out to Croatia, and Greece and Cardiff, I would be there in a heartbeat. And yet, God has clearly said that is not where I need to be.

How do I do it? How do I Love God in this situation? How do I Love others? What is the hardest thing to do, what is the best? (Are they the same, or different?) Where is God's voice in all of this? Am I where I need to be, or is this a momentary stop in a bigger journey? As these and other questions circle in my mind, I feel more than a little bit lost. Because you know, there is a whole lotta possibilities out there. And all I have to do is choose one.

Let me say that again:

I HAVE TO CHOOSE.

Anyone who has spent time around me probably realizes that making choices is not one of my strong suits. It seems that I get worse at it the older I get. It's fine when I KNOW what I want. Like lemonade. I almost always get lemonade when I go out to eat because I know when I want it. At the moment, though, I don't know WHAT I want. It's like I order lemonade, only to realize too late that what I actually wanted was apple juice. Lemonade and apple juice don't mix. With that thought in mind I won't get either lemonade or apple juice, I will get oh-so-boring water. With Ice. Why? Because it's easy, safe, familiar. And if I am picking my beverages based on something like that, then it makes me so much more weary of making important choices. Which, I think, leaves me with the water all over again. My point is, things are....difficult. However, there is a solution to my problem that may work. I need to take away things in order to find what I am truly in need of doing. It's like picking between two snacks with eeni-meeni-minee-mo, and when you land on one you can feel it- that you want it, but not as badly as the other- unless you choose the one that you really, really want the first time around. But you can feel that too. Perhaps choosing for me can be the same. Because none of my choices are bad- even if some are more boring than others, if it is the right thing, then it is the right thing. It is impossible to live without water. (Which is my way of saying that there has to be boredom for there to be adventure).

In the end I have a question for you: What do you, or did you, choose? Is that place where you are far from what you had thought you would be doing? How do you respond? Okay, that was more than one question. While you mull over that, why not read today's list?

To Do:
1) Talk to God about the Possibilities
2) Take away possibilities
3) If I don't do x, how do I feel?
4) How does doing Y make me feel?
5) Make up new possibilities if none of the old ones fit.
6) If I still can't make up my mind, put all the possibilities in a hat and draw one.
7) Do it. Whatever I pull from above hat, or if I manage to choose on my own.
8) Finish this list by next week. Like Monday or Tuesday.
9) Talk to God about whatever I pulled from the hat. But don't overthink things.
10) Dance Party. But only if the list is complete.

A Thousand Falling Stones

I hear them falling. The stones, I mean. They fall from the sky, bruising my skin. My heart. They fall from my eyes like tears. I am alone. The stones gather at my feet, they fill the room with their tinkling song. No matter the words that were spoken- the words I can't hear above the noise- the rocks will continue to fall. Each rock, no matter how small, means something. Many are my fears. Some are hopes. Only a couple are from what could have been. Stones born of dreams and shiney things. Most of those stones- the ones I had been gazing upon before the sky opened up and began to chuck more down at me-  were shattered. As if dropped from great heights, they have scattered far and wide. What I thought would be, is not, and what wasn't, is.

That is my very creative way of saying what is currently on my mind. If I say it too plainly, I may burst into tears (again) and would rather be mysterious about it. But the truth is, you deserve to know. That mean saying it in plain words. And it needs to be me that says it, before it is too late and I run out of time.

There has been some major changes to my life recently.

First, outreach has started. These great guys will be in Croatia by now. It is a very sad thing for me, as I will not be joining them. I am, instead, headed back to the states on Monday. There are many reasons for this, the most important one being God. As of now, he has other things planned for me. I am not failing the DTS- the outreach I will do is simply in the future instead of right now.

There is so much on my mind right now. I don't have the ability to say all I want to say- so instead I will tell you all a short story.

There were once five ducklings, a bear, a robin, a Great Horned Owl and a burrowing owl. The ducklings had the habit of following the bear, though sometimes they followed the robin as well. One day the five ducklings were told 'It is time, you will go on a long journey soon.' In preparation the fluffiest duckling was shaved, the sleepiest duckling caught a few extra z's. One duckling figured out the necessary statistics for their flight patterns (the bear refused to let them ride him the whole way to where they were going). One duckling sat back and noticed all that the others did. The last duckling- the one that had a habit of chasing butterflies- started to get ready, preparing notes, pasting words on the walls. (Because traveling required they learn extra words). But in the days before their first flight it was found out that that duckling needed to stay behind. There would only be four journeying together with the others (except for the Great Horned Owl, who had to leave to greater lands and adventures).  Her preparations ceased. She began to question everything and anything she could. At first she resisted it, wanted it to be false, a joke. It was not. This duckling, the smallest of them all, had to go back to where she came from. So she climbed up onto a rock and spoke to the others. "Goodbye," she said. "May God bless you and keep you safe." She could not give a grand speech then, no matter how she would have liked to. So she kept her words simple, and she lifted her beak high. Even if she was not going with the others, she was not without.

-- Farewell, ducklings, I will miss you. 

The LIST:
1) I might be leaving the DTS, but that doesn't mean I will stop having adventures. I will still update this and let you know what's happening with me.
2) I am very grateful to my staff. They are amazing, and often challenged me to be more than I believed I could be. I will miss you guys as well!
3) I found that I am not good at goodbyes
4) Like really really bad
5) So bad that I don't even say what I want to say because it gets stuck half formed in my brains.
6) And it only finishes forming once the goodbyes are done and everyone is gone.
7) No matter who you are, where you are at, or what you are doing, if you follow Christ you are blessed to be a blessing. I remind myself of this- no matter that things aren't following the plans, I am still so very blessed.
8) WATCH OUT. One of these days you'll see; I'll be flying highest of them all. ;p
9)And finally....
10)The type of sappy quotes I want to make, just because I can:

"This isn't the end. This isn't even the beginning of the end. However, this is the end of the beginning."
- Winston Churchill

“In the middle I want to be at the end, at the end I want to be in the beginning, and in the beginning I want to be in bed.” 
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

Really, though. This is just the beginning of a New Adventure. See you there.
-A-