Writing My way Through Life

The other day, I was listening to an audiobook that was more of a podcast, if you ask me. Which no one is, but still. The audiobook is by Ted Dekker and it is all about writing. Here is the NoiseTrade link, for those of you who want to get it.  The book is about how Ted views writing. I am a long time Ted fan, though his books are very different from what I usually read. It was through his books that I came to understand things about God on a level so personal, there are no words for me to explain. The reason I mention this book is because of something Ted says. When asked why he writes, what his purpose is, his answer is one that resonates within me. He writes to find out about himself, to figure his own mind/body/soul/spirit out. When he writes for others it always falls apart; words become a battlefield that have to be hashed out and torn through.

Recently, I have been having an issue with my writing. As some of you may know, I have been writing a novel since NaNoWriMo in 2013. My goal was to finish it this year, to start looking for an agent who could help me get published. I love my book. And yet, right now I can’t write. Why? Why is it so very hard to write a story that I know so well?

The problem isn't even just my novel. I am having issues writing period. (Has anyone else noticed the lack of updates for the last several months??) Even my journal is empty. Somewhere along the way, the words died before I could even feel them in my blood. If what Ted says about writing is true- that it is a discovery of self- then does that mean that the issue is that I don't want to discover anymore?

Maybe, says a little voice within me. Maybe.

This is what my novel is to me: It is a story about a girl who is born in darkness. A girl who is more or less cursed. She has magic. Magic that can't be contained or controlled. Everyone fears she will destroy the world. And yet, she is not evil. She is not a villain. She is a girl.  My story is a question: When there is nothing but darkness, can the light still survive? Can it save the girl who knows only darkness and fear and pain?

Perhaps my novel is a metaphor. Perhaps it reflects the struggles I face- along with a billion other people. Maybe I won't be able to finish it until I can answer the question for myself and believe the answer. My novel is a question. But so is life. Life's questions differ for every person. My novel is bigger than me, it is bigger than a single life. I cannot write if I forget myself. It would only be half of what it could be. Half is not very much at all, it is a shadow. An unfinished thought.

I have to find myself again. I have to find why the words died. Words are key to discovery. I must remember that any act of writing is a way to discover myself, to discover the world around me, and to tie them together.

It is time to face myself.

Writing Tips:

1. Write about anything

3. Daydream whenever the chance comes

4. Write anywhere

2. dOn't bE AfrAId to gEt thIngs wrOng.

I could be a Goat Herder

I got home back on the 6th and spent that week thinking while doing all I could to NOT think. (Not very well, if you want to know).  First I made banana pancakes- which are more like banana bread, but with syrup and chocolate chips and in Pancake form.  Then I read two books while making reservations, going to Starbucks and Panera Bread (its still too early for the summer salad that I love) and preparing stir fry (my way is the strangest, yummiest, not-like-any-other stir fry you've ever had, guaranteed) and I made oatmeal peanut butter pancakes that I thought might be cookies but were really pancakes. They were good, if a bit dry. (Chocolate chips made it better.) Next time perhaps I will combine the two- peanut butter banana pancakes anyone? In the near future (say, perhaps tomorrow...always tomorrow) I will be making the worlds greatest peanut butter icing-- should it be called something else? I have big plans for it, but you will have to wait and see what those are.

Now, you must be questioning what is going on with me. How did my not-thinking go if it was impossible for me to not-think? That is a fantastic question. Should I address it? I would rather not, but when did anyone get anywhere by going in circles? I dislike that way of doing things- and I have the authority to dislike it, as I do things in a circular way. All the time. I am doing it now. One would think that eventually I would understand it is easier, in theory, to go in a straight line. That idea seems so far off..... I digress. We were supposed to be talking about plans. My plans. You know, the whole 'What is God saying in your life, now that you aren't doing the one thing you thought you would be doing?'

How many of you have faced that, or something similar? I would think most of you have- certainly over half of the people who come across this page have some type of experience of not being where they want, doing what they want, when they want to be doing it. Do you you see it though- if life is about doing What I want, then where does that leave God's greatest commands - Love God and Love Others? Like really, I want to know. Where does it stop being what I want, and start being what God wants?

Unfortunately, I don't have the answer to that. I can't give anyone a magic wand that will sort out all their problems. If I had that, do you think I would still be here? No, I would be in the far reaches of some jungle doing something amazing. (Who knows what a jungle has to do with any of it) But don't you see- If I am doing what God wants, then even if I am in a place I don't really want to be, I am still in the best place possible for me. Which is a tough pill to swallow, believe me. If I could change things and go with my team out to Croatia, and Greece and Cardiff, I would be there in a heartbeat. And yet, God has clearly said that is not where I need to be.

How do I do it? How do I Love God in this situation? How do I Love others? What is the hardest thing to do, what is the best? (Are they the same, or different?) Where is God's voice in all of this? Am I where I need to be, or is this a momentary stop in a bigger journey? As these and other questions circle in my mind, I feel more than a little bit lost. Because you know, there is a whole lotta possibilities out there. And all I have to do is choose one.

Let me say that again:

I HAVE TO CHOOSE.

Anyone who has spent time around me probably realizes that making choices is not one of my strong suits. It seems that I get worse at it the older I get. It's fine when I KNOW what I want. Like lemonade. I almost always get lemonade when I go out to eat because I know when I want it. At the moment, though, I don't know WHAT I want. It's like I order lemonade, only to realize too late that what I actually wanted was apple juice. Lemonade and apple juice don't mix. With that thought in mind I won't get either lemonade or apple juice, I will get oh-so-boring water. With Ice. Why? Because it's easy, safe, familiar. And if I am picking my beverages based on something like that, then it makes me so much more weary of making important choices. Which, I think, leaves me with the water all over again. My point is, things are....difficult. However, there is a solution to my problem that may work. I need to take away things in order to find what I am truly in need of doing. It's like picking between two snacks with eeni-meeni-minee-mo, and when you land on one you can feel it- that you want it, but not as badly as the other- unless you choose the one that you really, really want the first time around. But you can feel that too. Perhaps choosing for me can be the same. Because none of my choices are bad- even if some are more boring than others, if it is the right thing, then it is the right thing. It is impossible to live without water. (Which is my way of saying that there has to be boredom for there to be adventure).

In the end I have a question for you: What do you, or did you, choose? Is that place where you are far from what you had thought you would be doing? How do you respond? Okay, that was more than one question. While you mull over that, why not read today's list?

To Do:
1) Talk to God about the Possibilities
2) Take away possibilities
3) If I don't do x, how do I feel?
4) How does doing Y make me feel?
5) Make up new possibilities if none of the old ones fit.
6) If I still can't make up my mind, put all the possibilities in a hat and draw one.
7) Do it. Whatever I pull from above hat, or if I manage to choose on my own.
8) Finish this list by next week. Like Monday or Tuesday.
9) Talk to God about whatever I pulled from the hat. But don't overthink things.
10) Dance Party. But only if the list is complete.

A Thousand Falling Stones

I hear them falling. The stones, I mean. They fall from the sky, bruising my skin. My heart. They fall from my eyes like tears. I am alone. The stones gather at my feet, they fill the room with their tinkling song. No matter the words that were spoken- the words I can't hear above the noise- the rocks will continue to fall. Each rock, no matter how small, means something. Many are my fears. Some are hopes. Only a couple are from what could have been. Stones born of dreams and shiney things. Most of those stones- the ones I had been gazing upon before the sky opened up and began to chuck more down at me-  were shattered. As if dropped from great heights, they have scattered far and wide. What I thought would be, is not, and what wasn't, is.

That is my very creative way of saying what is currently on my mind. If I say it too plainly, I may burst into tears (again) and would rather be mysterious about it. But the truth is, you deserve to know. That mean saying it in plain words. And it needs to be me that says it, before it is too late and I run out of time.

There has been some major changes to my life recently.

First, outreach has started. These great guys will be in Croatia by now. It is a very sad thing for me, as I will not be joining them. I am, instead, headed back to the states on Monday. There are many reasons for this, the most important one being God. As of now, he has other things planned for me. I am not failing the DTS- the outreach I will do is simply in the future instead of right now.

There is so much on my mind right now. I don't have the ability to say all I want to say- so instead I will tell you all a short story.

There were once five ducklings, a bear, a robin, a Great Horned Owl and a burrowing owl. The ducklings had the habit of following the bear, though sometimes they followed the robin as well. One day the five ducklings were told 'It is time, you will go on a long journey soon.' In preparation the fluffiest duckling was shaved, the sleepiest duckling caught a few extra z's. One duckling figured out the necessary statistics for their flight patterns (the bear refused to let them ride him the whole way to where they were going). One duckling sat back and noticed all that the others did. The last duckling- the one that had a habit of chasing butterflies- started to get ready, preparing notes, pasting words on the walls. (Because traveling required they learn extra words). But in the days before their first flight it was found out that that duckling needed to stay behind. There would only be four journeying together with the others (except for the Great Horned Owl, who had to leave to greater lands and adventures).  Her preparations ceased. She began to question everything and anything she could. At first she resisted it, wanted it to be false, a joke. It was not. This duckling, the smallest of them all, had to go back to where she came from. So she climbed up onto a rock and spoke to the others. "Goodbye," she said. "May God bless you and keep you safe." She could not give a grand speech then, no matter how she would have liked to. So she kept her words simple, and she lifted her beak high. Even if she was not going with the others, she was not without.

-- Farewell, ducklings, I will miss you. 

The LIST:
1) I might be leaving the DTS, but that doesn't mean I will stop having adventures. I will still update this and let you know what's happening with me.
2) I am very grateful to my staff. They are amazing, and often challenged me to be more than I believed I could be. I will miss you guys as well!
3) I found that I am not good at goodbyes
4) Like really really bad
5) So bad that I don't even say what I want to say because it gets stuck half formed in my brains.
6) And it only finishes forming once the goodbyes are done and everyone is gone.
7) No matter who you are, where you are at, or what you are doing, if you follow Christ you are blessed to be a blessing. I remind myself of this- no matter that things aren't following the plans, I am still so very blessed.
8) WATCH OUT. One of these days you'll see; I'll be flying highest of them all. ;p
9)And finally....
10)The type of sappy quotes I want to make, just because I can:

"This isn't the end. This isn't even the beginning of the end. However, this is the end of the beginning."
- Winston Churchill

“In the middle I want to be at the end, at the end I want to be in the beginning, and in the beginning I want to be in bed.” 
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

Really, though. This is just the beginning of a New Adventure. See you there.
-A-

Goodbye Loneliness: An Accidental Letter

This is it. I am putting to rest everything that I have held tight. I am giving it to you, God, right now tonight. I am saying goodbye to loneliness, pain, hurt, rejection (especially rejection). I am dumping them at the curb and letting them go out with the trash. I am releasing it all. I am so very done with such things!

Why am I turning on the light and writing this? Is it some resolution to never-ever-think-about-dating? Because that is what I was thinking about when I started this.... Or is it a twisted every-thing's-fine game? Am I saying goodbye to the loneliness of being single, or the loneliness of being....me? Not sure I know the answers, or even that I want to know. And yet, I keep coming back to this subject. It's true, though, I am fed up with feeling lonely.

Aloneness is something that I am familiar with. And not just in an "Oh she just-needs-space" kind of way. No. Childhood, for me, was a lake full of still water. If any ripples came it was rare, and chace worthy. But the ripples aways faded. I was always, in the end, left alone. On the playground, in the classroom. Even to some degree, by my siblings. Worse still, I have come to expect it. I expect everyone to leave me. To be left behind and forgotten. I expect to be the last thought on the mind of a friend; I am surprised everytime I am told 'Oh, yeah I was thinking about you the other day' or 'I was praying for you.' And because I have grown expecting rejection, distance, pain and hurt, I see it where it isn't. This past week especially I have been fighting with myself.

I hear words and instantly my brain tells me that something else was said. My emotions read into the 'real words' and messes with them, telling me what that person actually means. And my brain is completely overtaken, convinced that the words spoken were different. That in some way I am not wanted, an annoyance, in the way, and unnecessary. That the best thing to do is to go away, because they can get on without me.  

And that is just Stupidity at work within me. I reject those thoughts when I notice them, and shake them off. I know for a fact that my team Needed Me this past week. But, I still struggled with feeling Lonely.

Until recently, I didn't understand that the reason I could feel rejected was because I wanted love. Someone told me that the problem starts with not knowing that one is loved by God. But I have experienced his love recently, and known it. The thing is- I want more. To love and be loved in return. To be truly seen. And to find beauty there. I desire to Know and be Known. Wanting that, wanting it to the point that I have been in tears, I have yelled and groaned and prayed so much- that type if wanting is dangerous. Because the more I want it, the harder it is to surrender. Because if I want to be loved, then I have to be open to it. If I want to be seen. I too have to look. The only time love is ever one-way with no strings attached is when God looks at all his creation- even those that do not know him.

Who, after all, can fill this desire within me? Who, other than God himself, can satisfy me?

That is why I am saying goodbye to loneliness. I won't let you in anymore. Yes, I am single. Yes, all my life I have had very few close friends. Yes, I have been broken by this world. But so what? You see, I've figured something out. Jesus is BIGGER than my hurts, imagined or real. He accepts me for who I am, not what I do. He loves me for me.

Can he fill this desire within me? The desire to be loved without question, to be known and to know. To be filled up to the point that love comes from me in the same manner! The conclusion I have come to is; YES. God is so big and amazing that when he made Me with this desire for love, he was always waiting to fill that desire. He loved me from the start, but until I sought out his love, it was a mystery to me. Until I opened my heart to him, I could not know the Truth About Love.

So once again I will say it- Jesus. All I need is you. YOU made me in your image. It begins with you. Jesus you said, "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ and  ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." I love God because he first loved me. I love others because I know that I am loved.

I put to rest this desire, the rushing wind that says 'You are Twenty-Two, your friends are getting married, what about you?' I don't need marriage to be satisfied. I don't need a 'significant other' to be significant. And if I did, then that would be an issue. Jesus is my rock. My steady peace. My Prince.

Good-bye loneliness, I won't be your friend anymore. Get away from me, rejection! I have found something better to keep me company. He is funny, likes to play and always listens to me. He promises, over and over that he will never-ever leave me. His name is Jesus and he loves me. Just because he can.

And I love him.


Why I love Jesus
He Loves Me
He Loves Me so much that he Saved ME
He saved me because he loves me because he Made ME
He Is God
He is good. And he promised me, from the very start, that he would never leave me.


-A-

I Hope You Don't Forget

I forgive YOU.

Don't freak out. It's true. I forgive you, for all the things you ever did. If I know you, even if I don't. You are forgiven. Even if you really screwed things up. Even if you can't forgive yourself. I forgive you. I don't care that what you did was wrong. That it hurt me or someone else. I forgive you.

Why? Why forgive like that? It's not natural, right?

No, it's not. It should be, but it's not. Right now, people mostly respond to someone who has hurt them with anger, with the thought to 'get even'. You know, that whole 'eye for an eye' thing.

I want to insert a thought here. A small word that you maybe have never come across. Maybe you have but you don't understand it. The word is 'Mercy.' What is mercy? Mercy is a mix of compassion and forgiveness. Mercy is saying 'you are more important than what is owed to me.'  Mercy is hard. It is a Choice. Like forgiveness.

Forgiveness, mercy, compassion. These words all come from the same place. They all are used in descriptions of God. I think that Jonah in chapter 4  puts it very well: He complained to the Lord about it: “Didn't I say before I left home that you would do this, Lord? That is why I ran away to Tarshish! I knew that you are a merciful and compassionate God, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love." Jonah didn't like that God forgave the city of Nineveh when they made the decision to change.  They cried out to God with sorrowful hearts, and God could not ignore them.

It is the same for You. God loves you. And you know what else- The creator of the universe Forgives you. He forgave you long before you were born. You see, there was this man called Jesus. He wasn't just any man. He was a Jew. He followed the Jewish laws. He celebrated Passover. He wasn't just any Jew. He was the Promised One. Called the Messiah. God had, from the beginning, promised a Saviour. Jesus was the fulfillment of that promise. How? Why? To put it simply- Jesus was God. He is God.

Do you get where I am going with this?

The Creator of the Universe Came Down To Earth. He was despised and rejected by his own people. He loved the poor, the fatherless, the weak, the lame. God died for you. He saw you in the beginning. He knew you before you were ever formed. And to save you, to make you part of his family, he paid with his very life. And, because he is the one who made EVERYTHING, he couldn't very well stay dead. That would be like a foot of snow in [insert hottest place you can think of] all year round- it just doesn't make sense! He came back to us. The God I follow is a living, caring Being. He is Big enough to forgive everything you ever did wrong.


In Short:
God isn't aloof
He is present, caring, and faithful
The God I follow is full of love
And he offers you a Relationship with him