This is it. I am putting to rest everything that I have held tight. I am giving it to you, God, right now tonight. I am saying goodbye to loneliness, pain, hurt, rejection (especially rejection). I am dumping them at the curb and letting them go out with the trash. I am releasing it all. I am so very done with such things!
Why am I turning on the light and writing this? Is it some resolution to never-ever-think-about-dating? Because that is what I was thinking about when I started this.... Or is it a twisted every-thing's-fine game? Am I saying goodbye to the loneliness of being single, or the loneliness of being....me? Not sure I know the answers, or even that I want to know. And yet, I keep coming back to this subject. It's true, though, I am fed up with feeling lonely.
Aloneness is something that I am familiar with. And not just in an "Oh she just-needs-space" kind of way. No. Childhood, for me, was a lake full of still water. If any ripples came it was rare, and chace worthy. But the ripples aways faded. I was always, in the end, left alone. On the playground, in the classroom. Even to some degree, by my siblings. Worse still, I have come to expect it. I expect everyone to leave me. To be left behind and forgotten. I expect to be the last thought on the mind of a friend; I am surprised everytime I am told 'Oh, yeah I was thinking about you the other day' or 'I was praying for you.' And because I have grown expecting rejection, distance, pain and hurt, I see it where it isn't. This past week especially I have been fighting with myself.
I hear words and instantly my brain tells me that something else was said. My emotions read into the 'real words' and messes with them, telling me what that person actually means. And my brain is completely overtaken, convinced that the words spoken were different. That in some way I am not wanted, an annoyance, in the way, and unnecessary. That the best thing to do is to go away, because they can get on without me.
And that is just Stupidity at work within me. I reject those thoughts when I notice them, and shake them off. I know for a fact that my team Needed Me this past week. But, I still struggled with feeling Lonely.
Until recently, I didn't understand that the reason I could feel rejected was because I wanted love. Someone told me that the problem starts with not knowing that one is loved by God. But I have experienced his love recently, and known it. The thing is- I want more. To love and be loved in return. To be truly seen. And to find beauty there. I desire to Know and be Known. Wanting that, wanting it to the point that I have been in tears, I have yelled and groaned and prayed so much- that type if wanting is dangerous. Because the more I want it, the harder it is to surrender. Because if I want to be loved, then I have to be open to it. If I want to be seen. I too have to look. The only time love is ever one-way with no strings attached is when God looks at all his creation- even those that do not know him.
Who, after all, can fill this desire within me? Who, other than God himself, can satisfy me?
That is why I am saying goodbye to loneliness. I won't let you in anymore. Yes, I am single. Yes, all my life I have had very few close friends. Yes, I have been broken by this world. But so what? You see, I've figured something out. Jesus is BIGGER than my hurts, imagined or real. He accepts me for who I am, not what I do. He loves me for me.
Can he fill this desire within me? The desire to be loved without question, to be known and to know. To be filled up to the point that love comes from me in the same manner! The conclusion I have come to is; YES. God is so big and amazing that when he made Me with this desire for love, he was always waiting to fill that desire. He loved me from the start, but until I sought out his love, it was a mystery to me. Until I opened my heart to him, I could not know the Truth About Love.
So once again I will say it- Jesus. All I need is you. YOU made me in your image. It begins with you. Jesus you said, "You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ and ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." I love God because he first loved me. I love others because I know that I am loved.
I put to rest this desire, the rushing wind that says 'You are Twenty-Two, your friends are getting married, what about you?' I don't need marriage to be satisfied. I don't need a 'significant other' to be significant. And if I did, then that would be an issue. Jesus is my rock. My steady peace. My Prince.
Good-bye loneliness, I won't be your friend anymore. Get away from me, rejection! I have found something better to keep me company. He is funny, likes to play and always listens to me. He promises, over and over that he will never-ever leave me. His name is Jesus and he loves me. Just because he can.
And I love him.
Why I love Jesus
He Loves Me
He Loves Me so much that he Saved ME
He saved me because he loves me because he Made ME
He Is God
He is good. And he promised me, from the very start, that he would never leave me.
-A-
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