Life hands you lemons and you make Lemonade

I have never understood the above phrase. Never. What's wrong with lemons? I would think, lemons are great. They can do so much! There are much more useless things that life can be described as. I mean, what about brussels sprouts? Nobody likes those, even if you can cook them. Or spinach, because while I happen to like spinach, not everyone does, especially not children. And then there is the dreaded broccoli and cauliflower. The food that isn't food. My point is, sometimes life is a bed of roses, or sometimes it is Dorthy and her yellow brick road. Dangers and obstacles make the travel difficult at times, but nothing particularly life threatening or extremely dangerous (because really, how dangerous can a witch be if water makes her melt?) happens.

It is my opinion that life is not ever easy. Sometimes it is kind, sometimes it is empty, sometimes it is as sour as a lemon. But it is not easy.

Today I overslept and had to fight to stay calm. And when I say fight, I really, really mean FIGHT. The moment I realized I was late, (at this school such things like attendance matters) I jumped out of bed and started rushing to get ready. From the moment I saw the time, I could feel my lungs constricting. My heart raced, and I knew that a migraine was on its way. I had to force myself to stop. To think. To asses the situation.

NO matter what I did I would be out on the attendance by 2 hours.

Which meant that I had time to get ready, to shower and eat and CALM DOWN. Because, really, I was close to crawling back into bed and pretending that morning never came. If I let myself think about it, I would have broken down and started sobbing. I would have started to shake, and twitch and probably count in fours. I would have fallen apart and quite possibly not made it to class at all.

So, for once, my ability to shut down my brain actually helped me. I didn't think as I showered except to decide how I would go about talking to the teacher, as what I was missing was quite important. That was all I thought about, over and over again as I got ready. Basically, I was on autopilot. Every five minuets or so,  my autopilot would malfunction and I would freeze, the panic rising in me. The fears and anxiety that I fight on a regular basis waring with reason.

I was still close to tears as I walked to school. I didn't even go to class right away, but went to the bathroom to force myself to stand still and breath for a few minuets so that I could get through the day without the attack coming.

This, for those of you who don't know, is a common thing in my life, and has been for years. Until recently I didn't have a name for the things I experience. I didn't have the ability to describe what it was like to be me. I am constantly anxious, and sometimes I cannot calm myself down. Sometimes I am so close to tears that I fear the day that I cry in the middle of class. (Truly, I half expect this to happen on the days that are really, really bad). I worry about things a lot, which is odd because that has never been how I describe myself. But it is true. The thing is, after years- and I am talking since childhood- of dealing with varying levels of anxiety, I learned to cope in some very strange and interesting ways. While the tricks and deep breaths don't always work, and sometimes I will find myself counting 1-2-3-4-1-2-3-4, I at least understand now why I do such strange things. And that is almost as nice as not having to deal with anxiety at all. I repeat: almost.

So, I say it again. Life is not easy. Some days I can hardly get out of bed. Today was one of those days, and because of it, I was late to class. And all I could think of was, how in the world do I explain it to the teacher? And because I couldn't, and even now have no idea how, I said nothing.

For me, sometimes I feel the best way to deal with my anxiety is to ignore it. For the most part it is manageable. But since starting college, it has gotten worse. And there are many days where I don't know how to deal with it. There are many days where my migraines are so bad that by the time I get home, I can hardly think or speak. (That is not an exaggeration. There are some days where words, spoken or written are hard for me.) And such days only make my anxiety worse.

Life is not easy. Not in the least. Take it from someone who is in pain all the time, someone who deals daily with anxiety attacks and occasionally panic attacks. Someone who knows what it is like to have a migraine that lasts for two months. Life is not easy. So, my question tonight is how to take this not-easy-life and make it the best we can? I'm not asking you to make lemonade out of lemons, but perhaps there is something else you can do, something that will make you and those around you smile.

Because really, sometimes we have to show ourselves that there is more to life than (insert your own thought here). 

A New Adventure Begins!

Did you know....I moved to Florida?

Imagine this. A basement apartment. Hot summer days spent walking thirty minutes or so one way, afternoons of Judging Amy (anyone remember that show?) and cooking. I was always so tired after those walks home, since the heat seemed to seep inside of me and zap my energy. I liked watching the show right after I got home, though I couldn't ever watch more then two episodes before I got restless. I had to do something with my time. But what? My life wasn't interesting enough to blog about, and hadn't been since I left Wales. I have started many times to put up a post, but none of them found their way onto the blog. I felt like I was wasting away, though at the same time it was refreshing to not have to do anything for a time. It was something that I needed very badly. Anyway, back to that basement apartment. It was last year, August. My mind started thinking, which of course means that I started to plan. Started to wonder what, exactly, I wanted from life. For a long time, I told no one what I was thinking. It was easier that way, because I could decide one thing or another and not have to worry about going back on what I decided. I do this a lot with the things I cook. I'll decide to cook chicken, but then at the last minuet change my mind and cook something else.

You might be wondering what these things have to do with Florida. And the answer is nothing. Not directly at least. All I knew is that I wanted to leave Iowa. I knew this for a very, very long time. Before ever returning there, I knew I would leave again.  That's why, when I began thinking about my future, I knew that my life would not continue in that basement apartment. I wanted to leave, and late in September I knew what I truly wanted was to go to college. For a long time I never thought I would. I often feel that college is a waste of money, time and energy. And while I still have strong opinions of college, I find myself attending one now.

At first I thought I'd become a social worker, and work with at-risk youths. I love children, and will put much of my energy towards them in one form or another. However,  after researching this option, I realized that it was not what I wanted. It was the influence of so many episodes of Judging Amy that was getting to me. I think I knew by October that I wanted to go in a very different direction. Instead of becoming a social worker, I have decided to go into the arts. Specifically animation. And so now, a year after me and my sister moved in together, I found myself leaving to living near the edge of the US. I am now here, in Florida, pursuing a bachelors degree in Computer Animation. I am a week into classes, and already love this. It is a challenge, and a demanding schedule, but I have found something that fits me. Something that I love.

Imagine this. A second floor apartment, kept cool by drawn shades and A/C. Music-  or an audio book- playing softly in the background. Currently, I am listening to Yiruma. Art supplies scattered around me on the coffee table. My sketchbook is filling up page by page. Photoshop, Maya, and other programs necessary to my degree are on my computer. The scent of fresh-baked shortbread cookies lingers in the air. I sit here and wonder: How did this happen? How am I here now?

I cannot believe  that I have been blessed like this. I can only pray that I stay focused on this goal and do not get overwhelmed. This is my chance to take the gifts I have been given and hone them to become something more.




So what about you? As the new school year begins across the US, what adventures await you this year? What will you do with your life now? You don't have to have the answers, you only need to take a step in the direction you want to go. You might just be surprised but how your life is transformed by the One who Loves.