Life hands you lemons and you make Lemonade

I have never understood the above phrase. Never. What's wrong with lemons? I would think, lemons are great. They can do so much! There are much more useless things that life can be described as. I mean, what about brussels sprouts? Nobody likes those, even if you can cook them. Or spinach, because while I happen to like spinach, not everyone does, especially not children. And then there is the dreaded broccoli and cauliflower. The food that isn't food. My point is, sometimes life is a bed of roses, or sometimes it is Dorthy and her yellow brick road. Dangers and obstacles make the travel difficult at times, but nothing particularly life threatening or extremely dangerous (because really, how dangerous can a witch be if water makes her melt?) happens.

It is my opinion that life is not ever easy. Sometimes it is kind, sometimes it is empty, sometimes it is as sour as a lemon. But it is not easy.

Today I overslept and had to fight to stay calm. And when I say fight, I really, really mean FIGHT. The moment I realized I was late, (at this school such things like attendance matters) I jumped out of bed and started rushing to get ready. From the moment I saw the time, I could feel my lungs constricting. My heart raced, and I knew that a migraine was on its way. I had to force myself to stop. To think. To asses the situation.

NO matter what I did I would be out on the attendance by 2 hours.

Which meant that I had time to get ready, to shower and eat and CALM DOWN. Because, really, I was close to crawling back into bed and pretending that morning never came. If I let myself think about it, I would have broken down and started sobbing. I would have started to shake, and twitch and probably count in fours. I would have fallen apart and quite possibly not made it to class at all.

So, for once, my ability to shut down my brain actually helped me. I didn't think as I showered except to decide how I would go about talking to the teacher, as what I was missing was quite important. That was all I thought about, over and over again as I got ready. Basically, I was on autopilot. Every five minuets or so,  my autopilot would malfunction and I would freeze, the panic rising in me. The fears and anxiety that I fight on a regular basis waring with reason.

I was still close to tears as I walked to school. I didn't even go to class right away, but went to the bathroom to force myself to stand still and breath for a few minuets so that I could get through the day without the attack coming.

This, for those of you who don't know, is a common thing in my life, and has been for years. Until recently I didn't have a name for the things I experience. I didn't have the ability to describe what it was like to be me. I am constantly anxious, and sometimes I cannot calm myself down. Sometimes I am so close to tears that I fear the day that I cry in the middle of class. (Truly, I half expect this to happen on the days that are really, really bad). I worry about things a lot, which is odd because that has never been how I describe myself. But it is true. The thing is, after years- and I am talking since childhood- of dealing with varying levels of anxiety, I learned to cope in some very strange and interesting ways. While the tricks and deep breaths don't always work, and sometimes I will find myself counting 1-2-3-4-1-2-3-4, I at least understand now why I do such strange things. And that is almost as nice as not having to deal with anxiety at all. I repeat: almost.

So, I say it again. Life is not easy. Some days I can hardly get out of bed. Today was one of those days, and because of it, I was late to class. And all I could think of was, how in the world do I explain it to the teacher? And because I couldn't, and even now have no idea how, I said nothing.

For me, sometimes I feel the best way to deal with my anxiety is to ignore it. For the most part it is manageable. But since starting college, it has gotten worse. And there are many days where I don't know how to deal with it. There are many days where my migraines are so bad that by the time I get home, I can hardly think or speak. (That is not an exaggeration. There are some days where words, spoken or written are hard for me.) And such days only make my anxiety worse.

Life is not easy. Not in the least. Take it from someone who is in pain all the time, someone who deals daily with anxiety attacks and occasionally panic attacks. Someone who knows what it is like to have a migraine that lasts for two months. Life is not easy. So, my question tonight is how to take this not-easy-life and make it the best we can? I'm not asking you to make lemonade out of lemons, but perhaps there is something else you can do, something that will make you and those around you smile.

Because really, sometimes we have to show ourselves that there is more to life than (insert your own thought here).